There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
