I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
