did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
