My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
