dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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