we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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