I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm sobbing to NWA
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
