YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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