Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
