I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
