maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
