2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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