Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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