I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
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I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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