I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My life is pants optional.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
