I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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