My hand turned me down
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
