Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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