Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
