"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
