ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
