Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
