I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
