My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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