She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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