Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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