How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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