Your mouth is God's brothel.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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