life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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