You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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