i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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