she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
