party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Vodka?
Forever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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