i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
