Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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