I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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