i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
