If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
