"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
