I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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