Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
