What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
