You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
