A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
