Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
