Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
