dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
