well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
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