so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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