I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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