So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
