have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
