I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
