Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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