Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
