Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
