He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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